Monday, March 5, 2012

The Envelope Please...

It's a virtual envelope in this case.

And virtual awards - blogging awards for the previously mentioned class I'm enrolled in. And as they are virtual awards they can be as glamorous or impractical as I deem necessary.

First up, presented in my imagination by the cast of the 'Jersey Shore' we have the award for the 'Most Interactive Blog'. The cast, confused by the meaning of this award decides to give it to Alison for her work on her blog 'I Dream in Milligrams' - mentioned on this blog before. Alison's unique topic as well as interesting take on it has lent itself to receiving this high praise - in this case a large aquarium filled with 5 poisonous but beautiful fish. She accepts willingly though her speech runs embarrassingly long and as such she is willed off stage rudely by the chorus of Run DMC's 'Walk this Way'.

Next, we have the award for the 'Most Improved Blog' presented by Macaulay Culkin as he appears the polar opposite of what the award represents. Jack will receive this award - a gently used Lincoln town car, as an ode to his numerous attempts to master the blogosphere. My count has him creating 4 different blogs this quarter, each full to the brim with inherent 'Jackness'. His creativity and ability to adapt and change along with his interests have gifted him the unique opportunity to meet a childhood hero.

The best 'Hobby/Specific Interest Blog' is being handed out by Wally Szczerbiak due to his innate specificity. Understandably the winner, Geoff, would be overcome with joy to know that his award is a lifetime supply of Boston Lager presented to him by Mr. Szczerbiak though wouldn't be sure whether to take the award as a compliment or critique as his blog 'Brewing Noob' had him wowing the internet with the do's and don'ts of home beer making.

                                                     (A Picture to Break up the Text)

Best 'Design/Visuals' award is presented to Maddie by the entire cast of 'Happy Days' for the design of her blog 'anatagazm: the body gets the mind all hot'. Her stunning use of visuals throughout her entries can only redundantly be described as stunning. The pictures used play an integral role in her message and the way in which they are displayed could additionally and comically be labeled as stunning. Maddie has likely never watched 'Happy Days' as it was before her time but her confusion quickly turns to elation when she realizes that her award is the entire wardrobe Queen Amidala wore in Star Wars Episode 1 'The Phantom Menace'.

The 'Most Likely to Succeed' award for the evening will and would be handed out by Angelina Jolie dressed as Laura Croft. Jolie will be handing the award (an exact replica of the Declaration of Independence written in Klingon) to Brenda (the courses instructor) for her blog 'Spa of the Mind' as her occupation and presumed continuation of the course would supply her with the necessary drive to continue blogging. Brenda's relaxed approach and the 'spa-like' atmosphere she has created on the internet are only missing a literal hot stone massage.

'Best Personal Blog' - this fictitious award show's final category should and would be won by one Kyle for his difficult to spell 'Ursus Interruptus'. The award would be the precisely weighed 27 pound gummy bear he recently described in his own post and would likely be as sweet as this victory. While I needn't justify my choice to anyone, I twill as an sign of my humbleness (?). I chose Kyle's blog because for one reason or another, when I find myself perusing the classes entries, I frequent his site the most. Finding the joyful messiness of the unrelated topics a perfect indication of why blogging exists. It exists for the self. It would appear that Kyle blogs for him, not for the majority and as such I have awarded him this completely non exsitant award.

Congratulations to Kyle, and all the winners. I know this was totally unexpected and will likely change the way you think about things - namely the important things. But in times of great success one can't forget where they come from. Don't forget that - or basic mathematics, that would be embarrassing at your age.

Final Thought -
 My goodness this post is too long. It felt forced, and I don't enjoy that feeling. Perhaps we all need a little reminder of why the internet exists in the first place. That was quite a bit of reading after all. Why not listen to some refreshing local rap? Always cheers me right up.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Just Saw The Lorax...

Not like outside.

And not really by my own choosing.

My daughter "needed" to see it. Though I'm not really sure how badly a three year old can "need" anything. If she was forced to think about it for more than 30 seconds she might find herself not even "wanting" to see it. All things being equal though it wasn't half bad.

Weirdly both Taylor Swift and Zac Efron were in the film yet neither of them sang. Other people did, but they didn't. What's that about? Seems like a strange use of their talents.

Anyhow the Lorax provided a 2 hour vacation (I'm including travel time) from working on my final project which as far as any of you going swimmingly.

I'm in the process of turning this blog into a documentary (or perhaps a rockumentary as I would greatly enjoy calling it) and have spent the majority of my time making my own "Completely Unrelated Video" which had, (until this past Sunday) become an integral part of this blog.

Well I shan't make a habit of being embarrassed in my own virtual tree of trust that is this blog. Shan't feel remorse for making the virtual neighborhood that is my readership wait for their unrelated video fix. The videos are a gift, and as this gift has arrived late (I shall pull a mid-90's and "blame the post office") I have no choice but to make it up to you in both quality and quantity.

"Friday's Completely Unrelated Video(s) of the Day"

And...courtesy of Brenda...

Final Thought -
Why is it that Rob Thomas felt the need to go "solo". He was already the front man for Matchbox 20, and as a solo act he still requires a band. Perhaps he was after fame.
Anyone know the name of anyone else in Matchbox 20?
Me neither.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Third's the New First...

Unless you're in the Olympics.

Or really any race.

Or subscribe to a linear concept of time and are looking at a calender.

In any case, for Ichiro the title of this post rings truer than his home phone being called by any number of third parties.

Ichiro Suzuki has been moved from the lead-off spot (where he has spent the majority of his 10 year career) to third in the order. How Ichiro takes this move could have a lot to do with how the Mariners fair this year.

And so I put it to you Mr. Suzuki (those who know him best know he likes to keep things formal) are you a glass half full or glass half empty kind of guy?
Do you still have a little Wang Chung in ya?
Why not party like it's 1999? (Or in your case 2001 when you took home both Rookie of the Year and MVP honors)

As for the other side of this proverbial coin. Chone (Sean or Shawn to those of us whose parents weren't drunk) Figgins will be the first to assume the lead-off responsibilities.

Now, Chone hasn't delivered so much as a pizza since he signed his 4 year, 36 million dollar deal with the M's two winters ago, but that isn't to say that miracles can't happen...right...right?

Final Thought -
Woopie Goldberg won an Academy Award for her performance in 'Ghost'. Clearly Kevin Garnett is right - anything is possible.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Who Here's Excited...?

Earlier this week pitcher's and catcher's reported to camp for the M's in Peoria, AZ marking the beginning of spring training.

What does that mean?

It's December 24th for fans of Christmas.
July 3rd for promoters of freedom and independence.
The third Wednesday of each November for supporters of tryptophan.
June 13th for proponents of oblong pieces of cloth attached to poles.

Ok, that's admittedly a flawed analogy but suffice it to say that the most wonderful time of year is upon us again: baseball season.

In honor of this most joyous occasion, I have decided to offer up some random thoughts I've been mulling over lately in an attempt to promote just how fantastic this news is. It's news so wonderful that anything goes. You, me, parents, uncles, auctioneers, weightlifters...we can all feel free to do whatever we like. That's how insanely wonderful I'm making this news. It effectively doesn't matter what I write about because baseball's back. Everyone has a clean slate, no team's in last, no team's in first. The Mariners, me, you...all of us have hope once again.

As we shove off on our voyage to what is likely 117 wins, I offer these insights into what I think about all day when I should be listening to professors, my girlfriend, and my daughter.

1.) If you were auditioning for 'The Voice', why would you not audition in a chicken suit?
2.) In a month that Subway has deemed 'Februany', how does Quiznos still exist?
3.) Why are car commercials the only advertisements where it's completely acceptable to openly lie? If the Toyota Tundra can't actually pull a jumbo jet, why are you showing me a Toyota Tundra pulling a jumbo jet?
4.) If I Google the word 'google', will my computer catch on fire?
5.) Why is it so socially unacceptable to like Creed and Nickleback? Don't get me wrong, I don't have any concert tees from either musical visionary but I also don't change the station when 'Photograph' comes on.
6.) Let's talk about percentages. No you did not give 110% random athlete. A brief visit to Wikipedia to look up percentages tells us that's impossible.
7.) Why was the first thing I was ever asked to do in a car - "perform a figure 8" shouldn't it have been "drive forward slowly"?

And finally, because why wouldn't I end this random collection of thoughts on number 8 -

8.) Movie previews should really use what they have going for them and stop with all the games. If you have Denzel Washington in your movie than that's it. Him standing, preview over. I don't need to know what the plot is. If he's in, I'm in. Same with Nicolas Cage, except the opposite, him standing, if he's in, I'm out. 

Final Thought -
When was the last time any of us 'Unleashed the Dragon'? For too many of us I think it's been to long...let's remedy that friends. Because it just feels right.